i am not marrying my best friend

Because my best friend is a girl. Not that I wouldn’t want to marry her. I think that whoever does marry her will be incredibly lucky and well fed.

But I reiterate. CJ is not my best friend. And I am not his.

For instance, regardless of how many times he tries to train me at Wii on the Mario Cart, I still lose. I remain an unformidable opponent.

And then there was the engagement party face incident. There was a terrible thing happening to my face. So terrible I cannot recount it on this here blog. But. Suffice it to say. It was as if my face was morphing into an alien like figure. It was not cute. It was not lady like. It was NOT bridal.

Did CJ mention it?
Did he say, “My darling beautiful bride to be, what the BAJESUS has happened to your face?”

Or did I, owner of several mirrors in my home and workplace, notice that the right side of my face was turning into something from a low-budget Star Trek movie?


I did not. And my other friends and colleagues were to kind to mention it. CJ still denies that it ever happened.

It took my best friend getting off a plane from Buffalo to take one look at me and say: “You gotta get some new mascara and get to a dermatologist. ASAP.  STAT.”

Clearly I am really in touch with my body.

#1 case in point: CJ hates brunch. I can marry a man who hates my favorite meal of the day…because all of my ladies will happily meet me for a coffee and oatmeal. Any.Day.Of.The.Week.

The thing is- I don’t really care that CJ is not my best friend. He probably was at some point in time, and I don’t think I was as happy as I am now. And if I was ever his, I apologize. Because I am NOT  a good guy best friend. CJ’s best friend plans to watch Human Centipede 1 & 2 with him on Halloween. That is love. That is friendship.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again. (When I said it before I was 19, sitting in my best friend’s college bedroom, haphazardly applying green eyeliner and basking in the kind of wisdom you have as a sophomore in college)

Ain’t nobody gonna be everything for you.

(but really- would you want them to be? do you really want your guy to have an informed opinion about your new shampoo? that’s why I have my girls. CJ hasn’t noticed the incredible effects this weather has had on my hair AND THAT’S OKAY I’M NOT UPSET AT ALL.)

One thought on “i am not marrying my best friend

  1. […] You see, when times get a little heated and I’m stressed out, my face blows up in all sorts of directions. Please see engagement party post here. […]

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