the woeful tale of the black wedding suit

Throughout this wedding process, I have seen many a wedding where the groomsmen are featuring DELIGHTFUL attire. Maybe they are doing a lovely blue blazer and khaki situation. Perhaps a STONE colored suit. In a lot of Florida weddings, I have seen an adorable KHAKI suit opportunity. Overall- gorgeous. Thank you for this strong showing.

Now let’s just be clear- mid-October is a precarious time of year to get married. It ain’t summer, it ain’t fall. It’s a mixed bag. You could have a really hot day, or you could have a snowstorm. Last year in NYC, October 13th was 90 degrees. October 15th brought snow. Mixed. Bag.

So my dreams of a Lilly Pulitzer sundress situation were obviously nixed when my girls could have been seeking warmth from the linens. They are done- choosing their own dresses- and are freaking champs. Each dress is gorgeous, perfect for them, and better than anything I could have picked. (Not that I didn’t try! For eight months, I tried.)

When it came time for the boys, I thought there was a magical suit rental store that all of the aforementioned couples have gone to adorn their groomsmen. We would walk in, have an easy peasy time deciding what structured, smart black suit these guys would wear, and be on our merry way. And! The boys would not spend an arm and a leg.

You know what we were? Very, very, very wrong and very, very, very naive.

There is no magical store. Those couples made their groomsmen purchase those khaki suits. This is akin to the taffeta bridesmaid debacle. But groomsmen just don’t talk about it. They are going through their own kind of silent torture. How many groomsmen have a closet full of kelly green pants and light pink polos? How many times has a gentleman been asked to purchase a stone colored suit that is unflattering to most complexions because, um, it’s STONE? I just don’t even want to talk about the blue blazer situation because it hurts my heart. If you are the kind of man who wears a blue blazer, like my daddy and brothers, you already have one. You are set. If you are not the kind of man who wears a blue blazer, there is a reason. You have seen them offered and you have abstained. But in wedding land, surprise! You are now the proud owner of a $250 blue blazer that you will NEVER. WEAR. AGAIN.

Of course, there is a double standard. Bridesmaids buy a lot of god awful dresses. I guess I was under the impression that the same way you can order a heinous polyester bridesmaids dress in multiple sizes from a retailer, you could order a black suit. Well. Folks. You can’t.

There are no suit rentals. There are only tux rentals. And tuxes look like- you guessed it- a tux. At a four p.m. wedding, a tux would look a little…bananas. Especially if it is 90 degrees. 4 p.m., rented tux, 90 degrees. I am breaking out in hives.

As one of my amazing bridesmaids told me: “PEOPLE HAVE DONE THIS BEFORE. WE HAVE TO BE ABLE TO FIGURE THIS OUT.”

If you have not already guessed, this is clearly a national CALAMITY.

But then you search “black suits for weddings”. Don’t do that. It doesn’t bode well for you. You get things like “funerals.” You also get things like “do not wear black suits for weddings.” Then you get “black suits are a smart choice for weddings.” And then you get “funerals.”

Chris pointed out that every “you can’t do this” with weddings always has an asterisk. The asterisk after “do not wear black suits for weddings”, in our situation, is *unless you are a groomsman of Chris Dall’au and happen to look incredibly dapper in a black suit of your choosing.

And for reals, I don’t think I will wake up the morning after the wedding and say “That would have been awesome…IF the groomsmen had ONLY purchased the same black suit. Consider the wedding day ruined.”

Maybe this is just the start to our black suit rental empire.

There are a few things that make this day extra delightful. 1- Chris and I both have spider bites. Spider, unknown. 2- A roach settled a top my bare leg on the train home. Terrific.

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