Have you ever been to Macy’s on 34th Street? Chris and I used to live in that area and took a long, meandering walk around the city that ended us up at the flagship store.
When I first moved to New York, this is how I imagined Macy’s 34th Street location.
Glittering, eternal Christmas.
This is what we found yesterday.
It was BRUTAL. They were having some sort of clearance sale (isn’t Macy’s ALWAYS having some kind of a clearance sale?) and people were out for BLOOD.
We were out for TIES. Wedding TIES. Periwinkle wedding ties. I dare you to look at those two animals fighting and say “Excuse me sir, could you please direct me to the periwinkle tie section for my wedding in Greenwich, Connecticut?” See what happens to you. Go ‘head.
Needless to say, we came home tie-less. And we are better for it. The tie selection at Macy’s is PLENTIFUL, RICH, and GOD AWFUL. There may have been 100,000 ties there. That I know for sure. Donald Trump now makes ties. Did you know this? I did not. I came home an educated consumer.
In the midst of this war torn serengeti, we were able to (I think, I hope) find my wedding shoes. That was, of course, until a tourist* came up and said “Are these yours?” I did not know how to answer. Surely she understood that I did not own the shoe with the Macy’s censor on it.
“Yes.” I answered. “These are mine. I own them.”
“Discount?” she asked.
What? Is she trying to buy my shoes off me?
“I want a discount.” she countered.
Well, little lady. You and me both.
“No discount,” I tell her. “Full price.”
She then proceeds to shove her foot into my precious delicate little wedding shoes. These feet which, we can be sure, have been prouncing all over (clean) (sanitized) (fresh) New York City. Also, let’s be clear: it’s July. We’re talking over 100 degree feet temps. Delicious.
Did I mention when she shoved said foot into said Badgley Mischka shoe, she was ALREADY WEARING a pair of flats with a censor on them? Like she collects shoes from around Macy’s to wear to her next location where she will terrorize potential buyers?
I don’t need to explain to you, my dear readers, why we came home without those shoes. Although Macy’s was selling them for about 75 cents, I could not take them off of my new friend’s foot and shove them into my shopping bag and run. I just didn’t have the heart. Or enough sanitization materials.
And then, I realized : this is why God created online shopping.
* Now, please don’t get all mad at me for automatically assuming she was a tourist. If you are wearing a fanny pack and a plastic passport necklace device, I would suspect you too to be a tourist.