It feels like I fell asleep in the middle of May and have just woken up. Our life is completely different than it was six months ago – everything has changed – and I am struggling a bit to catch up. As someone very wisely told me, the carousel won’t stop slowing down.
One of the most difficult things for me was to continue writing here. My mother-in-law encouraged me to write, called me after every post and was the top commenter. There was no need to comment, as she had a direct line to the source (!), but writing here, especially writing about her son, brought us so close. She was involved in the everyday minutea of the start of our marriage, even if she was across the country. For Christmas, she had all of the entries printed and bound into a book. Now that the wake and the funeral have passed and the hard part has begun, I find myself clinging to those small tokens and expressions of love – the book of my writing, the earrings she gave me for my high school graduation, the cashmere sweater (now with holes and pills) that she sent up to Syracuse. They all surround me now in our empty house, as I wait for my husband, to keep me company and bring me joy in the remembering.
As for Hello, Dall’au – of course I will continue writing. Of course I damn will! If you’ve seen me in the past few weeks, you will know: nothing can shut me up, not even this grief.
So I am back at home, and soon Christopher will be too. And we will resume this life we very carefully chose for our family, in this house we chose to have our babies in, this house we picked for holidays and the commute for my beloved job and the long, hidden driveway for his. We will celebrate two months since our closing next week, although we have only spent 11 nights together in this new home.
So here we go. To not being silenced – not even by this sadness.